"We surmise this because of the location, the fact that the remains are about 200 years old, and certainly because the deceased had his head up his ass," announced Dr. Olwen R. Gillicuddy, the team leader and professor of archaeology at the New England Institute of Entitlement Studies. "We know from our observations of current liberal politicians that this person would probably have been a state legislator, but we are researching our data bases to find out if he or she might have actually been a member of Congress. Given the excellent condition of the remains and the fact that the head was so far up the ass, I lean toward saying this was a Congressman."

The discovery prompted an immediate call for more federal funding from the offices of Massachusetts Senators Edward Kennedy and John Kerry.

"This is a vital part of our culture and should be preserved," said a spokesperson. "Unlike people like longshoremen, fishermen, carpenters and other lesser life forms, liberal politicians are Important and should be recognized as such. We are proposing that $8.6 billion be allocated to find all of these remains -- they were probably burned at the stake or hung by Republicans -- and to immortalize them in a museum and with a large memorial."